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skysailor So I finally read "The female price of male pleasure" that everyone keeps linking (http://theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure) and here, thoughts. So many thoughts.
Quick context rundown: I am transmasculine genderqueer but didn't know that until the last year or so and have experienced most of my sex life regarding myself as a woman and with women's socialization and also experienced severe and recurrent enough pain receiving PIV sex that I had to go get physical therapy. Also, bi/pan and switch/vers.
I have such... weird, complicated feelings about this article. Particularly because it talks about things I have experienced, but my experience would not fit within its borderlines. Like, I got the same socialization, and I experience the same problems with prioritizing eagerness to please over the pleasantness of my own experience, or going along with things without really putting my own feelings into the equation properly.
But this discussion also feels so deeply immersed in some distorted-mirror version of the world where PIV is the only act and mutual simultaneous pleasure with no physical discomfort is the only goal. And like, both from the perspective of someone who avoided PIV for religious reasons for years into my sex life and from a queer perspective and from a kink perspective, that's... so fucking weird to me?
The sexual dynamic I'm more used to is taking turns giving/receiving pleasure, and when you're giving, you're more focused on the sexual excitement you get from seeing your partner's response, and you expect that whatever part of your body you're using to give the pleasure is going to get sore or tired or uncomfortable, and ignoring that to continue isn't inherently /bad/ as long as your partner doesn't ignore your needs when it's your turn (if you want a turn).
And then with kink dynamics or some other dynamics, sometimes you're just interested in giving sensation as domination or giving service as submission. And don't even get me started with pegging and male-receiving... I mean, honest to fuck, a lot of time pain/discomfort is more a common problem with receiving penetration than anything... feel like I'm getting sidetracked, tho.
All of which is to say that it feels like weirdly apart from my context, including my context perceiving myself as a woman having sex with cis men, which it supposedly is directed at. And I remember that when I was feeling a lot of pain, people telling me properly done sex shouldn't have pain and that the dynamics of having sex despite pain were inherently awful/abusive/victimizing was really alienating. I don't really know a way to fix it, because I did eventually need physical therapy for the pain, and knowing it wasn't supposed to be happening was important for that, but... nngh.
This isn't to say the article isn't making good/important/necessary points, or really to directly reply to or counter its points, just... feels. Thoughts.
...also, sometimes when I encounter these kinds of discussions too often, I get weirdly fucking guilty about wanting to receive pleasure as a penetrator, partly because in trying to combat the wider culture's over-emphasis on male pleasure, it's kind of... painted as inherently predatory/bad to even try to accomplish or cater to and there is a lack of positive modeling for "good" ways for men to seek or have it. The fact that I'm a switch/vers alleviates that a bit, but it shouldn't have to.
...also also, the societal focus on male pleasure is in itself actually kind of complicated and not as straightforwardly good for men as it might seem, because it tends to assume extremely limiting things about men, such as that they don't need any warmups or stimulation anywhere but the penis, only receive pleasure from one or two types of giving-penetration acts, always receive enough pleasure and orgasm from them, and always want sex. And also that they have minimal interest in being desired or looking desirable and also a million other genuinely harmful assumptions.
Small addition: Oh, also, no one who talks about faking pleasure during painful sex seems to recognize that it can sometimes cause the person faking to experience more pleasure/have a more pleasant experience? I mean, I'd always be clear and communicative about the fact that I was doing it, so as not to give inaccurate feedback, but I have literally never seen anyone discuss that aspect.
Quick context rundown: I am transmasculine genderqueer but didn't know that until the last year or so and have experienced most of my sex life regarding myself as a woman and with women's socialization and also experienced severe and recurrent enough pain receiving PIV sex that I had to go get physical therapy. Also, bi/pan and switch/vers.
I have such... weird, complicated feelings about this article. Particularly because it talks about things I have experienced, but my experience would not fit within its borderlines. Like, I got the same socialization, and I experience the same problems with prioritizing eagerness to please over the pleasantness of my own experience, or going along with things without really putting my own feelings into the equation properly.
But this discussion also feels so deeply immersed in some distorted-mirror version of the world where PIV is the only act and mutual simultaneous pleasure with no physical discomfort is the only goal. And like, both from the perspective of someone who avoided PIV for religious reasons for years into my sex life and from a queer perspective and from a kink perspective, that's... so fucking weird to me?
The sexual dynamic I'm more used to is taking turns giving/receiving pleasure, and when you're giving, you're more focused on the sexual excitement you get from seeing your partner's response, and you expect that whatever part of your body you're using to give the pleasure is going to get sore or tired or uncomfortable, and ignoring that to continue isn't inherently /bad/ as long as your partner doesn't ignore your needs when it's your turn (if you want a turn).
And then with kink dynamics or some other dynamics, sometimes you're just interested in giving sensation as domination or giving service as submission. And don't even get me started with pegging and male-receiving... I mean, honest to fuck, a lot of time pain/discomfort is more a common problem with receiving penetration than anything... feel like I'm getting sidetracked, tho.
All of which is to say that it feels like weirdly apart from my context, including my context perceiving myself as a woman having sex with cis men, which it supposedly is directed at. And I remember that when I was feeling a lot of pain, people telling me properly done sex shouldn't have pain and that the dynamics of having sex despite pain were inherently awful/abusive/victimizing was really alienating. I don't really know a way to fix it, because I did eventually need physical therapy for the pain, and knowing it wasn't supposed to be happening was important for that, but... nngh.
This isn't to say the article isn't making good/important/necessary points, or really to directly reply to or counter its points, just... feels. Thoughts.
...also, sometimes when I encounter these kinds of discussions too often, I get weirdly fucking guilty about wanting to receive pleasure as a penetrator, partly because in trying to combat the wider culture's over-emphasis on male pleasure, it's kind of... painted as inherently predatory/bad to even try to accomplish or cater to and there is a lack of positive modeling for "good" ways for men to seek or have it. The fact that I'm a switch/vers alleviates that a bit, but it shouldn't have to.
...also also, the societal focus on male pleasure is in itself actually kind of complicated and not as straightforwardly good for men as it might seem, because it tends to assume extremely limiting things about men, such as that they don't need any warmups or stimulation anywhere but the penis, only receive pleasure from one or two types of giving-penetration acts, always receive enough pleasure and orgasm from them, and always want sex. And also that they have minimal interest in being desired or looking desirable and also a million other genuinely harmful assumptions.
Small addition: Oh, also, no one who talks about faking pleasure during painful sex seems to recognize that it can sometimes cause the person faking to experience more pleasure/have a more pleasant experience? I mean, I'd always be clear and communicative about the fact that I was doing it, so as not to give inaccurate feedback, but I have literally never seen anyone discuss that aspect.
